LESSONS IN LOVE
October 7, 2017 marks the day my husband, Terence and I got married after dating for about 4 years. When Terence and I met, I had been a single parent for the past decade and I hadn’t dated much. Terence was in his late 30’s and had never been married with no kids. To say we were living very different lives when our worlds collided would be an understatement. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, with no one to consider but himself. I, on the other hand, did what I had to with little room for much else and had another life at the center of my world.
In our 3 years of marriage, we’ve learned plenty about ourselves and each other. To ensure you got both sides of our story, I invited Terence to join me and share some thoughts. Check out some of our lessons in love + marriage.
Something for the fellas from Terence:
1. Communicate. If you need more or less of something, speak up. Talk to your partner about how you feel whether good or bad. In the past, I have held back things that needed to be said to avoid an argument. To me, my silence was better than a disagreement. I have learned that my silence was communicating that everything was ok when it really wasn’t. Sharing your thoughts, feelings, fears and insecurities with your partner will help make the relationship stronger.
2. Keep doing the things you did to get her. I think its human nature to get comfortable once you have what you want. When we get too comfortable, we start to take our partner and all they add to our lives for granted. Remember to do the things that keeps your partner smiling and feeling appreciated. Small gestures of thoughtfulness will help get you through the hard days and seasons.
3. Listen to your partner. Don’t make assumptions about what your partner is thinking and how they are feeling. Ask and then make sure you listen. Listen with the intent to understand without getting defensive. Listening and then hearing is the best way to get to the core of whatever issues that may come up.
Tameka’s thoughts for the ladies:
1. Get clear about what you want + need. When women become mothers and wives, sometimes we lose ourselves in the playing of those roles. As we grow + evolve so do our needs + wants. Make sure you’re giving yourself the time and space to explore those changes so you can (1) Know them for yourself (2) Clearly communicate them to your partner. What worked for you year 1 may not be enough come year 5. The start of any healthy, successful romantic relationship begins with a healthy relationship with self. Make sure you are loving you well and then teach your partner how to follow.
2. Stay connected. Life can be busy and hectic, especially when you have children. Make sure you and your partner make time for each other. Meaningful, intimate, fun time for each other. Don’t get so busy managing your lives that you forget to manage your love. Every strong relationship requires time, attention, and care. Remember your partner deserves the best of you, don’t make them settle for the leftovers.
3. Work for the marriage you want. Understand that your marriage wont automatically be anything. It will only be what you build. If you want a beautiful, loving, fulfilling marriage, you will have to work for it. Your marriage experience will only be as good as the effort you and your partner make.
When I first got married, I always opted out of giving marriage advice. I felt like I was too new at this to add anything valuable to the conversation. I was wrong. My experience as a wife and partner, whether 8 months or 18 years, matters and is worth sharing. Let me know in the comments what lessons you’ve learned in love and/or marriage.
Also, I thought it would be fun for us to answer “what made each other the one?” Listen to our responses below. Enjoy!
To my heart - thank you for these 3 years, looking forward to a lifetime of more. I love you.